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I know this ad is supposed to be funny, but I just couldn’t laugh.  Maybe it’s because I’m a mother and I take my children’s health and happiness too seriously.  Or maybe it’s because this commercial just isn’t as funny as it should be.  My children love Skittles, regardless of the quality of their marketing plans.  So, perhaps that’s why their latest ad isn’t really aimed at young kids who are far more likely to appreciate a Danny Phantom quip than the grumblings of an unhappy teenager who is being forced to sacrifice his happiness for his family’s insatiable appetite for small coloured candies.  In any event, they’d think the exact same thing that I did when I saw this.  I don’t get it.

And frankly, that’s not such a bad thing if it’s going to turn my kids off of a teeth-decaying sweet.

You’ve got to feel a little sorry for Hollywood these days.  Recession times, such as they are, have hurt them as much as any other business out there.  Did you see the Golden Globes?  Clearly, they’re on a budget - why else would they have hired a Brit to host?  Cheap overseas labour is something every business needs to consider when tough times hit.

The moviemakers have not exerted much effort into improving the quality of their product - that would just be wasteful spending.  But rather they’ve brilliantly concentrated on marketing to an expanded audience for each movie produced.  Understandably, this is to make up for cheap consumers who’d prefer to buy a week’s worth of groceries than spend a night at the movies.  The cinema’s failed poster campaign featuring George Clooney in a three-piece suit (the bubble above his head saying “Aren’t I worth $15 to you?”) gave me pause, but ultimately was not persuasive enough to entice throngs of patrons, such as myself, to the theatres.  You are worth fifteen dollars, I said to George’s dapper image, but who was I kidding?  As a youngish 37-year old woman, I was still a decade too old to even fantasize about fantasizing about being his main squeeze - we’ve all seen his cocktail waitresses, er, girlfriends.  And if it’s fantasy that Hollywood is trying to sell - I’d rather see Twilight. 

In fact, it was during New Moon’s opening night, sitting among angst-ridden teenage girls that I realized I’d been manipulated by the latest of Hollywood’s marketing strategies - make a movie that appeals to a “broad”er audience, that is, offer a little something to everyone.  The Twilight movies attract both teenagers and women who want to still look like teenagers.  Pure genius. 

These efforts have also worked fabulously with children.  Walk into any grade one class at Halloween and what do you see?  Girls dressed as princesses and boys dressed as superheroes.  That must have been the big wigs’ inspiration to jump on the superhero blockbuster wagon.  The Hulk, Batman, Superman, X-Men… I can almost hear the chorus of little boys begging Mom and Dad to take them to the movies.  But those Hollywood executives aren’t suckers.  Sure, movies like Kung Fu Panda do all right, but why not think bigger?  And George Clooney needs another pay raise.  The PR folks, between plastic surgery appointments, concocted a fail-proof plan to pack the theatres.  Draw in the kids with the superhero title, yet pack the flick with violence (plus a small sex scene without the nudity) to attract the older guys.  It’s a win-win.  The kids get to see Batman save the world and the grown ups get to see a thriller featuring a psychopathic killer. 

Of course, Tinseltown had enough foresight to consider hardened parents who aren’t so easily swayed by the incessant begging of their children.  They realized such parents are either too cheap to shell out the hundred dollars for a pleasant family night out or are too paranoid to allow their kids to be exposed by some wholesome “violence.”  That’s why they created movie merchandise to stock every toy store’s shelves.  The Gotham Knight pickings were especially tantalizing.  With every purchase of a Batman figure, kids received a free figurine pack of blood-covered corpses.  Christmas was very special that year. 

Apparently there’s some parent-led movement across North America trying to put a stop to this Hollywood practice.  Of course, Hollywood is fighting this madness.  America is, after all, the land of the free.  Free - not as in free movie tickets, but as in free to make and sell movies as we please.  They quickly silenced the ever growing demands of BAM  (Babysitters Against Movies) whose complaints of job loss were assuaged with free tickets to - you guessed it - New Moon. 

Hollywood is just trying to keep itself afloat in uncertain economic times.  Yet some people are unconvinced, saying they’re putting profits ahead of child safety and welfare.  To these naysayers, the big studios are offering a free showing of the popular movie The Hangover during which they will slash the price of popcorn by half.  Should that fail, they will be forced to consider giving George Clooney a pay cut.

About a year ago, I implemented a new chore system for our household.  Determined to get my kids to learn the value of hard work, I developed a commission-based chore schedule.  I was sick of begging them to set the table, practice piano, or do homework.  Even worse, I was fed up with the shrill battle cry that erupted from my lungs when they ignored my multiple requests. 

I’d considered starting an allowance for each of them, but my inner voice of reason taunted me with names like schmuck, sucker, push-over.  Did I really think that folding a crisp five dollar bill into my kids’ unwashed hands every week would suddenly compel them to leave the bathroom sink gleaming after brushing their teeth, or set polished silverware over folded napkins in preparation for dinner?  Free money.  That’s precisely what they would think - a concept they learned after continously watching Mom and Dad slip a magic card into a money-making machine that spat out twenty dollar bills.  Who needs to work when there are machines like that around?

It was important to teach them a direct connection between work and earnings.  You work - you make money.  Given my lack of confidence in my ability to enforce daily duties on my children, I decided to give them the opportunity to make money based on their own individual efforts.  For every duty they completed, I stuck a gold star (well, my initials, actually) into a box beside their name.  At my current rate, they earn whole dollar for every six initials they receive.  It’s not a lot of money, but it allows them the freedom to buy a book or video game every couple of months as reward for their efforts.

On a really good week, my oldest son will earn up to twenty of my monetary signatures (his chores include doing homework and practicing piano).  On a slow week, he may earn only ten.  My youngest earns the least amount of money because - surprise - the least is expected of him.  The system works at its best when the kids have decided they want to purchase something.  Those days, I can hardly come up with enough chores to rack up the dollars or, er, quarters.  Recently, all three boys pooled their points to purchase a Wii game.  It’s a good thing, too, because I would have definitely nixed the plans if they’d not had their own means of paying. 

While I still perform the bulk of the household chores, I’ve accomplished what I set out to do - teach my children that money does not, in fact, materialize if it we just wish it so.  It is earned.  They understand that if they want to accumulate more money, they need to put in more effort.  So if they’d rather play Wii than help clean, they’d better be prepared to play the same old games until next Christmas - when Santa’s feeling generous.

A full explanation of the system is at http://porridgereport.com/2009/02/27/commission-based-chores-for-your-kids/

I hate to be cynical about a commercial that is so sweet (okay - that’s a lie… I love being cynical) but there’s a reason why McCain has to make up a fairy tale about the creation of their fries - or more specifically, their smiley faces.  Would any mother want to buy from a company if they showed minimum wage workers dropping tons potato slices stamped with happy faces into massive vats of boiling canola oil? Duh, nope. Bring on the potato dusters and affectionate oven mitts.

The reality is that I actually do enjoy McCain’s spot.  Heck, I watched the entire 60 seconds, which is pretty lengthy for a fry commercial.  Certainly, my younger boys will asking for those greasey grinners as soon as they see this ad because they’ll no sooner doubt the authenticity of the commercial than question the existence of Santa Claus (particularly around Christmas time.)  Typically, I keep away from any fried potato products, preferring to purchase a kilogram of PEI spuds for two bucks and, over the course of a month, peel, mash, bake, slice the versatile orbs for frequent dinner side dishes. 

Yet, does McCain get what it wants from the commercial? That is: will I buy a pack of frozen smiley faces next time my kids stand by the freezer section of the grocery store, nose pushed against the glass, begging “Ple-e-e-e-e-ease.  Can. We. Have. Smiles?” 
Well…  All right. I’ll get them.  But just ONCE.  Okay, maybe twice.

The hand will be getting some extra exercise over the coming month of December as parents dip into their pockets or purses and open their wallets.  But their legs might get a surprising rest.  That’s because Santa’s favourite workshop (read: Toys R Us) is offering customers the opportunity to shop right from their mobile devices.

For busy parents, this may relieve some of that pressure to prepare for the most hectic season of the year.  And for others, it’ll mean finding the time to finally bake that batch of gingerbread cookies they keep promising the kids. 

Be careful to count your pennies, though - it’s easy to forget how much one is spending when there’s no exchange at the cash register.  Perhaps the next holiday app will offer automatic budgetary restraints that set off alarm bells to eager fingers.  But don’t expect a retail business to come up with that one any time soon.